Welcome to my Artist Diary

Having recently returned from visiting family in Victoria and a challenging time trying to work through arrangements for aging parents to establish the best care for them in the circumstances, I was relieved to seek refuge in my art class.  I was in definite need of some art as therapy.  Too exhausted to even think of lugging canvas and paints to class, and to stand and create, I chose to sink into a chair and just doodle. 

My sister and her husband are building a new home and I offered to do a painting for them.  She is keen on abstracts so with that in mind I began browsing through various magazines and art books allowing myself to do some research and see if anything sparked an interest.  After some time, some shapes in one image caught my eye and I started to just play with them.  Not experienced in abstracts, I welcomed some gentle guidance from my teacher on how I could work up the image and using pastels began to play with colours.  Perfect.  Just what I needed.  Whether this would ultimately end up the painting for my sister, for now I just wanted to experience the process.

 A week later  I returned to class, this time with canvas, paints and renewed energy and enthusiasm to take my mock up and transform it onto canvas.  I had already prepared the surface by building it up with impasto.  And so began my “Difficult pleasure” as Brett Whiteley had once described painting, or creating art.  Moving into the abstract area was challenging me and yet at the same time, it was great fun.  All the more so given my recent work in portraits and the precision required there.  While the painting still needed to work, to have balance and all the elements required of a good painting, there was also quite a lot of freedom particularly in the process of rendering this painting.  To see the outcome of my ”difficult pleasure” or “abstract fun” visit my new Abstract gallery and “Sea Bed”.  This is what flowed from a day that began with some old fashioned doodling.

I have just returned from a 10 day holiday in Western Australia with my husband and daughter, and what a great place to visit.  We flew up to Exmouth and spent several days snorkelling in the beautiful, warm waters of the coral coast exploring Ningaloo Reef, and including swimming with the whale sharks.   We were even fortunate to see two whale sharks circle each other, something not often seen as they normally swim alone.  Such an amazing world that exists just under the water surface, and those vibrant colours of the fish.

We had hired a 4wheel drive and camper trailer and also spent some time visiting the Pilbara Region.  Again the colours of the countryside were spectacular.  Art Spectrum’s Pilbara Red so aptly named and reflected in the gorges.  We loved visiting Karinjini National Park and spending time exploring Dales Gorge and Weano Gorge, and swimming in the waterholes.  Our favourite spot was Hammersley Gorge, just spectacular. 

I had taken my sketch book away with me however I was too immersed in my holiday to put pen to paper, so with camera swung over my shoulder it was time for a break and to just be present to and enjoy the surroundings.

Back in Sydney and to my portrait classes, I was concerned how I would go drawing again and yet at the end of my first class back I was pleased with my work.  It seems the break was good for me, and so I feel refreshed and filled with enthusiasm again.

Drawing and more drawing.   I started portrait classes in January and the learning curve has been steep.  Going back to the basics, the fundamentals and endeavouring to absorb the intricacies and intimacy of the human face and figure.  Anatomy.  I never studied it at high school and yet here I am learning it now and it is fascinating.  My teacher, Nafisa Naomi, is passionate and particular, which is precisely what I wanted.  And precision is definitely the word.  There are days when I get a likeness and others when they are just not quite there and it is my observation that is out.  I am finding it challenging and yet rewarding.  I now have a series of self portraits in charcoal, figuring atleast if I am drawing myself I am not offending anyone!  Oh the inner critic runs rife!

But I am missing my painting.  I have been missing the colour and the canvas.  So inspired by a recent visit to Nicholas Harding’s exhibition at the SH Ervine Gallery, I got out my palette knife and some beautiful colours and, with the joy of much greater freedom, did a couple of floral works (now in my gallery).  I love the way the colour mixes undercover of the knife’s blade, and which seems more like a wand as you wave it across the canvas, never precisely sure how it will translate.  I love the way each swipe is uniquely recorded and never to be repeated, a spontaneous creation.

So I am dancing between.

New Year’s day began with painting and has each beautiful day since.  What better start to the New Year!  I have already completed another triptych in my “trunks” series and am on to my next project. 

I have been enjoying the healing power of painting and my latest “trunks” captures this all for me.  I had begun this project just prior to going into hospital in December and had prepared the canvasses with impasto.  On my return post-op they sat and looked at me, ghost gums, until I began to feel my strength returning and until one day I just knew that I needed to begin their painting and that in the process it would help my recovery.  So although feeling somewhat fragile and tender, I stood before this triptych and began to wash in some colours and as the turpsy mix dribbled and seeped its way into and down the canvas trunks, I could feel the blood running back into my veins.  Beautiful burnt sienna, permanent crimson, french ultramarine blue all of these transforming the ghost gums in front of my eyes and at the same time working their healing powers on me.  Away for the Christmas period, it was not until 1 January I was able to return to my trunks and to working into the colours, deepening their strength and richness, again enhancing on previous trunks in the series.  Pure joy!

The other delight on January 3 was to deliver a “surprise” portrait gift to my friend/lecturer/coach, Donna.  We met for breakfast at the Pavilion, Balmoral Beach, with her son and in this exquisite surrounding, I presented her with her gift.  I had said that I wanted to do so “face to face” unbeknown to her so I could see her face (when she saw hers!).  After the initial shock, she was then overwhelmed and I was able to share with her the story of “Donna”.  To my surprise and delight, Donna modestly said “it was better than real life” which was encouraging for me as my new portrait teacher had said that this was the first “rule” for portraiture.  And her son has given his stamp of approval…”Mum it really does look like you”.

Having recently returned home from hospital, I am under strict doctor’s orders to do absolutely nothing for at least two weeks.  On first arriving home, I had forgotten that our carpet was being cleaned in my absence so I returned to find our home topsy-turvy with our lounge spilling into our dining room and my studio.  How often life reflects where you are at.  My whole body had been through a major upheaval with surgery and how befitting my surrounds seemed to me.  I had even painted the bottom of a canvas before leaving for hospital and had turned it upside down to dry while I was away, so that particular portrait was also staring at me upside down.

I could either fight my surrounds or succumb to them, and with so little energy I opted for the latter.  I was curious to see my world from a different view.  A lounge newly positioned facing our dining room wall allowed me to lie down in comfort and ponder the scene in front of me.  And in this case there were many.   Fortunately I have a number of completed canvasses  of varying moods, colours, and images and just before entering hospital I had changed all the paintings on this wall.  It was now filled with beautiful trees: triptychs, gentle, ethereal highland gums and rich golden gums.  I could now rest in their comforting energy and draw strength, at the same time observing where I had achieved what I had set out to do in each painting.   There were also a couple of portraits of dear friends smiling at me and reminding me of their friendship.

So while grounded by the specialist, it has been a time for reflection and dreaming.  Reflecting on the efforts over the past year and dreaming of new projects for the coming, at the same time with my body reminding me very much of the present.  I have been noticing and enjoying the difference a painting can make to a room, to a soul for had those paintings not been there, the wall would have left me quite deplete rising up blandly and abruptly in front of me, however with the highland gums, haunting beauty and others a sense of perspective, of distance and depth has stretched out before me.  

And it reminded me of a beautiful piece written by Leonardo Da Vinci, which I often think of around this time of year…

“Every now and then go away,

have a little relaxation,

for when you come back to your work

your judgement will be surer;

since to remain constantly at work

will cause you to lose power of judgement.

Go some distance away

 because the work appears smaller

and more of it can be taken in at a glance,

and a lack of harmony or proportion

is more readily seen.” 

Exhibition over and where to from here?  A whole mixture of thoughts, experiences and feelings post our exhibition.  Highs and lows.  Conversations to follow up, action items to be progressed but the big question, where to from here?  What am I to paint?  What is my next theme? And nothing is forthcoming, atleast not immediately, and so there has been a sense of despondency.  Added to that is the overwhelming thought of,  where will the energy come from to put together another large body of work?  (And the answer, when I listen quietly, one painting at a time.) 

I recognise the “controller” within me has been active, the part of me who likes to have things sorted, planned and mapped out, that wants to know.  Because without knowing, it’s pretty scarey and all the ‘what ifs’ arise. 

Yet despite the despondency, I keep moving, keep following my heart and trusting.  Whether I have a theme or not, and whether it’s right or not, I keep painting.  And in fact I haven’t stopped.  I know the day after the exhibition closing, there was a real sense of needing to get ‘back on the horse’ and I have done, and everyday since.  And what I am learning is not only about painting but about trusting things to work out.  Having a sense of direction but allowing for things to unfold.  Like a request that I have put out there in search of a portrait teacher to develop my skills.  And there is a theme emerging, as there have been others in the past. At this point the theme seems to be individuals in the landscape.  Yet guided by my heart to begin another series of trunks, today has been spent sculpting in the bark with some impasto and loving every moment of it.

Where to from here?  Trusting, allowing, and growing, one painting at a time.

I am currently working on a portrait (actually two) and decided to take one along to class for some guidance.  Portraiture is a new skill I am looking to develop.  I already know that I love to paint them, even if they are challenging or perhaps it’s because they are.  For me it is like being with that person and exciting to see them emerge from the canvas.   So far I have been largely self taught in this area and I’m pleased I am actually achieving a reasonable likeness, yet I know there is much I can learn.

So I took my current project along to class and I couldn’t help but find the experience humbling.  Pleasantly so.  With humility is the opportunity for real learning to occur and I sensed the wonder, the open curiousity and joy of being a child again and learning something new.  In being vulnerable, in saying “I don’t know, I’m not sure what to do here” and being open to guidance, to then be able to absorb on so many levels so many new insights.  Choice of brush, use of medium, the type of strokes, to loosen up and, in this specific instance, how to capture and portray the fluidity of hair.   (It helps to have a wise teacher though, who nurtures and encourages that childlike curiousity, particularly for an adult to drop into that state).

With the exhibition recently launched and lots of build up to the event, then all the hype with the opening and enthusiasm for my work, I could see how easy it would be to get caught up in that and forget my roots.  Forget the foundations and the fundamentals that there is always still plenty to learn.  The ego in its glory could easily have got in the way of real progress.  And curiously in my openness to learn and willingness to lay down my brushes and be guided by an experienced teacher, another joined with humility to also learn.

So with my new knowledge, no better way to learn was to put it into actual experience so both portraits are now being worked on.  Each with their own unique challenges.   My next development goal: to improve my blending of skin tones.  And with humility and love, I know that it will happen.

Yesterday I attended a lunch where I am involved in career transition coaching, and I was captured by the words of a graduate of the program when she said…”even if your confidence is a little knocked, you have to back yourself”.  This woman had been retrenched on three separate occasions (such is the changing nature of our employment market) however she was back out working again and she had returned to share her story.   As often is the case, the stories of participants who have re-entered the workforce are inspiring not only for new participants going through career transition, but also for their consultants. 

Her words lingered with me today and, as I reflected on these last few months as I have stepped further out into the world of art and as an artist, I realised the truth of her words.  You do have to back yourself.  Investing time, money and effort in creating this beautiful website, joining with fellow emerging artists to launch our first major show, was all about “backing myself”.  And since then, the universe has responded accordingly.

I am reminded of the quote by W. H. Murray from the Scottish Himalayan Expedition (1951):

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamt would have come his way.  I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe’s couplets:

    Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.
    Boldness has genius, power and magic in it!”

Just as Murray predicted, I realise today that since “backing myself” a whole series of connections, events and meetings have occurred that would not have happened otherwise.  I also realise how interconnected our lives are and how for real progress to occur, it cannot be done alone. 

Curiously, about 5 years ago now in response to an inner urge, I painted Goethe’s couplet in large print on my bedroom wall so I wake to this inspiration each morning.  And that woman was absolutely right, “even if your confidence is a little knocked, you do have to back yourself”.

Last night was the official opening of my first major exhibition and a great success.  Along with four other emerging female artists and friends, it was wonderful to finally be launched.  With over 300 guests, family and friends, collectors and friends of the gallery, the evening was perfect with Sydney turning on one of its balmy Summer evenings.  While we each had entered exhibitions before, this was the first exhibition that any of us had ever organised and the first opportunity to showcase a significant body of our work.

To see so many people come along to celebrate this milestone for all of us and with sales happening, commissions being discussed, it was very exciting. 

The day itself was another story though…  After a morning spent at the gallery finalising the preparations for the evening’s opening, it was home for some quiet time and gathering of self in preparation.  Yet for me, this was no quiet time.  I needed to prepare a speech to open the evening and I was unable to relax.  I felt like I was being squeezed and  I got a real sense of being birthed.  A train of events had been set in place for some time now and the moment was nearing, quickly.   I was in the birthing canal, the contractions had started and come what may at 6.00 pm I was going to arrive.  There was no turning back, try as I might,  and I was coming feet first! 

And my saving grace, to paint.  Domestics were not “doing it for me” and yet I knew that if I just got out my paints and painted for a while, it would make the difference.  And so that is exactly what I did.  It was so easy for me to get caught up in all the hype of the lead up and the ‘what ifs’ that go through your mind, however I knew that if I just sat down and painted it would transform my being.  And it did.  I had recently commenced painting a portrait of a beautiful friend, with a gentle soul and so it was wonderful to sit “with her” and to paint her hair.   That portrait will always have a special place in my heart, for it was like sitting with a silent friend as a witness and presence in my moment of truth.

And while I sat there painting two of my closest friends arrived from Canberra.  They had driven to Sydney especially for the evening to offer their support and witness my ”birth”.  It was then time to get ready,  so transforming from behind my black painter’s apron to my little black dress, it was off to what turned out be a wonderful evening and memorable event in my life.  It was also special to have my husband and daughter helping on the evening and giving their support to this moment for me.

Although busy with the lead up to our exhibition, I am delighted to have completed a project I have been working on for some time now.  There is a real sense of satisfaction, having lived with this portrait for what seems like months now (although if I was to check my records I don’t think it has been), however the idea to paint this particular painting has certainly been with me for about nine months.  Now that the idea has been birthed,  I am delighted it has coincidentally been finished in time for my dear friends birthday. 

While I believe coincidences happen, what I don’t believe is that they are coincidences (if you can understand that).  I had not intentionally set out to paint this painting for a certain finishing date as I had contemplated starting it on a number of occasions.  It was not until I began painting and now that it has been finished, albeit with some big gaps in the middle of it, that it has actually coincided with my friends forthcoming birthday.  If anything I had thought of it as a Christmas gift, as it was taken at Christmas a year ago.  My friend is currently working in Kuwait so what better way for her gift to arrive but via a treasure hunt in my website!  (Happy birthday Roseanne!)

And on the learning side, Warwick Fuller’s key fundamental questions from my recent workshop with him, kept coming to me especially in the final stages of doing this portrait (I had begun the painting before the workshop).  The three things he instilled in asking when painting are 1: What colour is it? (colour) 2: What tone is it? (tone) and 3: Where do I put it on the painting? (drawing). 

When I stepped back from this painting for some final analysis, I could see a couple of places where the tone wasn’t quite right and my challenge then was to make the adjustment without completely altering all the relationships that went with it.   Also I was now not working “wet in wet”, so blending was trickier.  And then it gets to a point where you just have to stop.  Knowing when to stop is another challenge for an artist.  So I will stop here!